Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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