What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
