I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
