Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
