cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
