All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
