Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
