I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
