normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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