Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
