Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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