I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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