im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
