tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
