It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
