My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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