just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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