did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
