I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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