The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
