I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Im part way to drunk.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
