Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
