you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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