I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
