she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
