awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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