I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
