My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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