he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
