ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
