Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
