I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
