Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
