when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she peed on how many people?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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