You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
