It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
