I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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