wake up i wanna do it froggy style
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
