Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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