Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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