My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
