I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
