I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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