exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
