i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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