Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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