you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
