Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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