I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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