your parents love me but you hate me
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
