one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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