I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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