there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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